I don’t know about you, but when my mom died a month before my 25th birthday, I knew nothing about narcissism. I used to discuss mom with dad, and none of us could figure out exactly what was wrong with her. We just knew something was seriously, seriously wrong.
I think that is one of the reasons why my own recovery has taken so long. I’ve spent so much time not understanding, being angry, resentful, hating, not to mention sad and struck by grief over so many things. Almost ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type II, for those who are interested), but these days, I’m not sure that diagnoses is correct.
One of those moments that I wrote about in my last post, turned up for me last year. For those of you who don’t know, under Freebies up in the menu you can find an e-book that I wrote a couple of years ago. In that book, in one sentence I mention the word “narcissistic”, but when I wrote it I didn’t think it was that important.
Until, when I last summer, found Dr. Ramani at Youtube. Her channel is all about information about narcissistic and toxic relationships, and I found that I had come home. Everything she said was confirmation on everything I had experienced. And I finally understood what was wrong with my mother. She was a bloody covert narcissist.
And since then – well, first, I took a long time just watching Dr. Ramani’s videos. I wanted and needed to understand this whole new world of information, to understand what I had gone through. This is where I realized that it was so much worse than I could ever imagine. I’m not saying this to make my childhood sound worse than anyone else’s, but I finally understood that everything that had happened (and not happened, for that matter) had made wounds much deeper than I had realized before.
Since last summer, I have spent quite some time wallowing in self pity, until one day not too long ago woke up one day and felt sick to my stomach with this whole victimhood concept I’ve been stuck in for so long. I’m going to talk about the reasons for this in another post or over at Youtube once the channel kicks off, but that was one of those significant moments for me.
I am one of those people who need to understand. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to be able to connect the dots between stuff that seems so far off from each other, but when combined, the result makes perfect sense. That’s how I role. I need to see a pattern in how I function to understand and make sense of it.
And before you know, before you have any understanding of the mechanisms behind a certain pattern, it’s very difficult to do any healing and serious recovery. There are so many things to discuss and tell you about my experiences on this, but few of them made any sense until I began understanding what narcissism is and how it works.
Since you are here, I can only assume that you have at least some understanding and knowledge of the concept narcissism and the consequences of narcissistic abuse. If not, I suggest you start educating yourself. Dr. Ramani is the best source I’ve found, but there are many, many people over at Youtube who are worthy to listen to. I’ll make a list with recommendations and post somewhere, to give you a starting point.
Knowledge is required. I mean it. At least for me. I need to make sense out of that chunk of yarn inside my head. Twentyfive years ago I had no idea of where to start. Everything was just a mess, and I couldn’t find any ends to start untangling it. But as I have gotten older, I learned to put stuff in boxes in my head, and that has given me a better overview. It’s much easier for me now to see what’s what, what needs work and what can stay in that box for a little longer – if I even need to bring it out at all.
Knowledge (and a few other things) is what has made the big difference for me. I wish I’d known all these things, all those years ago. I imagine it would perhaps have made my life easier. But then again, I am also a big fan of believing that life unwinds as it needs to be. Without the life I’ve lived, I wouldn’t be where I am. And I’m not sure things would’ve been better, had I known about this back then.
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