I accidently ran into a Youtube video with Kim Cattrall – a speech she held at Variety, for whatever reason. She began the speech by talking about what has made her career possible – the word NO. Instantly, I came to think about recovering from narcissistic abuse, and how the words YES and even more importantly, NO, are sooooo important to us.
This speech has nothing to do with narcissism (if you don’t count MEN and their attitude to women in professional life), but a chain of thoughts came to life when I heard the word NO.
When it comes to positive thinking and more specifically, the Law of Attraction, the word YES is extremely important. Being in that mindset, we’re told to say YES and expect good things to come. I understand and to some level agree that we need to say YES for good things to come – but not until we know how to say.. NO!
If you grew up with a narcissist, you probably didn’t learn that your NO had meaning. You probably didn’t understand that your NO should be respected. You probably didn’t know that you too were allowed boundaries.
I really do believe that before anyone can start manifesting the life they want, that person needs to get their shit together. To be a collected, contained person – with healthy boundaries, to create a good point of origin for whatever is to be manifested. If we don’t know what’s good, how can we manifest it?
It is very unfair that so many of us didn’t learn the basic stuff as children. I have felt so much jealousy towards people who grew up with normal parents. People who learned all these things naturally, people who take it for granted. I’m not one of them. I had to learn the hard way, and it’s taken me years and years, doubled and tripled, to learn what comes natural to most people. I am still not fully there – or at least I don’t think I am.
Learning to say NO, learning to expect to be respected, learning to accept that I am being respected, has been a tough one for me.
Saying YES is a beautiful thing. But saying yes requires that we know what we say yes to, and more importantly – to know if what we say yes to is actually good for us.
It took me about 42 – 44 years out of 46 (where I’m at right now) of my life to understand the difference. It took me all that time to understand what actually is good for me. Oh, I’ve said yes so many times, and sure, tiny good things has happened. But almost none that actually meant something or made any significant change to my person or my life.
I’ve been critical to the Law of Attraction for a long time now. I do believe it works, but before it really works, I very strongly believe that the person working with it needs to be contained and connected to the good stuff within. If and when we carry shame, guilt and all those negative, destructive things, we can’t really project or manifest the positive. At least I can’t.
So, before diving into the positive mindset and start over-using the beautiful word YES, we really should take the time to understand the meaning of and the beauty of the word NO. If your mom was a covert narcissist like mine, you’re probably as confused about the whole thing with boundaries and limitations as I’ve been – and it takes time to build those things from scratch. Especially when you don’t know how, or what it is, even.
I still have plenty of doubts about myself, my power, my abilities, skills, qualities et cetera – but it’s worth so much being on this journey. I didn’t know what it meant, the concept of my life.
Now, I’m beginning to live it. ♥