In few hours – around 2am, it’ll be precisely twentyone years since my mom died. She had the very bad taste to die on the night from Valentine’s Day. But her death was also expected and, at least for me, wanted for a long time. Now, twentyone years later, I find myself in a very weird mood and I’m not sure why.
I woke up today, fine. Took my dog for a walk, did my yoga, had lunch, did some much needed and wanted sewing – and bam. My mood changed from totally all right, into a seriously ugly one. I was so upset, so angry, so scared, so everything – and I have no idea why. Now, a number of hours later, I’ve thankfully gone past my anger and rage, but instead I am sad. So very sad. I keep struggling not to cry, and I am not sure of why I am so sad.
Well, at least I wasn’t. Until I came to remember that it’s been twentyone years. Twentyone years ago, all of us knew it wouldn’t be long now, and I called my, at the time, lover, who came right back to support me. At about 2am, I got the call that it was over, she was gone.
I don’t understand why I am so sad. It’s been so many years, and I would not want her to be alive – at all. I couldn’t be more grateful that she’s gone, because I cannot even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had she been alive.
So why am I so sad?
The thing is – at least I think it has something to do with it… she was fortysix (and about six months) when she died. In about a month, I’ll be fortysix. In a few months, I’ll be older than my mom. I think this is the problem for me right now.
And perhaps my sadness is – well, many reasons, really. Partly that I never had the mom I would have liked to have. And even if I’m glad she’s gone, I still think it is very sad that she was unable to have a proper life. That her whole life, her whole being, was fake – and she would never have admitted it.
But I’m also sad that that I didn’t have what so many people seem to have had. A normal mother, to whom (especially women, or so it seems) everyone appears to have a very close relationship. I don’t know what that looks like, because I never had it.
And perhaps I am also sad, because up until now, I’ve had my mom to relate to in terms of what I don’t want to be like. But now that I am about to be older than her – I don’t really feel like I have a rolemodel, in any sense. Not in what I don’t want to be like, not in what I do want to be like.
In one sense, I feel more alone than ever. It is very confusing and frustrated. Not really sure of what to do with myself at the moment, to be honest.
But – I’ll get through this weird mood. This will pass, as has everything else. While I really do hate feeling like this – and trust me, I do, I also do know that it will pass. I am exhausted from a really intense week, extreme lack of sleep et cetera, so it really is no wonder my head is messing with me.
But since this came up, completely unexpectedly, I think I am going to spend March to discuss various aspects about my mom, on my Youtube channel. I knew that I’d spend my birthday talking about the age issue anyway, so I can just as well use the entire month to talk about her. After all, she’s the reason why I’m doing all of this.
I find this extremely frustrating. I pride myself in having come very far on my journey of healing and recovery. It’s been all these twentyone years since my mother died – I didn’t really expect a relapse like this. I do realize that it may have surfaced only because I am tired and exhausted – had I not been, perhaps this day would have passed as quietly as it has for many, many years. But it didn’t, and here I am, trying to sort what’s what, and why, oh why, this is happening.
As I’ve been writing this post, I’ve done some other stuff as well. And – my focus is shifting from being upset, angry and sad, into gratitude and a more peaceful state of mind. Because after all, I am so immensely grateful that she’s not alive. I couldn’t be more satisfied with having been without her, as she was, for the last twentyone years. I cannot even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had she still been around. That’s a nightmare beyond any horror story.
I could really use some support, so feel free to tell me anything that will make me think of anything else but my mom. I just want to get rid of this mood, and get back to being my balanced self that I’ve gotten used (and spoiled) to be for the last five, six years.
Thanks for reading this far. I appreciate it. ♥
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