Is it possible to learn something that can be useful in the recovery from narcissistic abuse, through BDSM? And what is BDSM anyway? I am here to tell you that yes, it’s more than possible to learn from BDSM – and actually, much of what’s going on within the BDSM world should be adapted outside it. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Before we get into the juicy stuff, I just want to tell you a little something about.. well, let’s start with: as a child, you learn about love and how to love from your parents. Where else? The so called “love” I recieved from my mother was intense, consuming and destructive. My dad loved me more than anything else, but he had a completely different love language than I do and did.
Basically, this means that my perception of love is that it’s intense, invasive and destructive. Done right, I really do think it can be amazing, but that’s not how I learned to love.
Now that’s out of the way, let’s take a look at what BDSM is.
BDSM stands for
- B – bondage
- D – dominance/discipline
- S – submission/sadism
- M – masochism
I get that all these things may sounds strange and intimidating to some people. But what many people may not know is that everything that goes on in the BDSM world are between consenting adults, and everything has been thouroughly discussed in details before even beginning. If not consented, whatever is done moves immediately becomes abuse which is a completely different matter.
I was introduced into the BDSM world when I was about thirtyfour or so. I’ve had an interest for a very long time, but that’s when I joined the Swedish BDSM community and started to get to know people. And that’s when I began learning things I had never grasped before.
Boundaries/limitations
I remember very clearly talking to one of my best friends on the phone about some of the things I don’t like and wouldn’t allow. When she heard me talking about it she said that it sounded more dominant than submissive. And all of a sudden I realized that I don’t have to submit to things I don’t like. I don’t have to step back and accept someone else’s desires as more important than my own.
And that’s when I chose to be the dominant part in whatever and any d/s relations I’d find myself in. The funny thing is that although I’ve always considered myself submissive (due to how my parents taught me to be), taking the dominant role has become quite natural to me. Once I understood that I had a choice, something clicked inside me and I’m never going back to having someone else control me or make decisions that only serves their idea of what would serve me.
This may seem odd, but this really was a revelation for me. I actually, really and truly, had no idea that I could say no. That it was ok for me to not want something, to not want someone to cross my boundaries. It had never occured to me. I properly did believe that I was outside such luxuary, and to realize that it was expected to have boundaries – and to see people respecting those, was… I mean, wow.
Consent
Differently from relations between parents and their child, a d/s relation is always based on consent. When two people enter any sort of relationship within the BDSM world – and trust me, there are way more options than the regular love/sexual relations, it is necessary to begin with endless conversations about preferences, boundaries and limitations, what both parts wants to explore, where to start, what to do if something goes wrong, what the submissive person needs for aftercare, et cetera. These things are extremely important, since what BDSM deals with goes so deep and creates intensely emotional experiences in all participants.
As in most other crowds, there are of course asswholes in the BDSM sphere. People who think they can do whatever they bloody well please because they are dominant and the submissives really want to be treated like crap.
This is and can never be BDSM. This is abuse.
The difference between BDSM and abuse is – the consent. Once discussed over and over again and two people are ready to engage – they consent, and are ready to go. This really and truly is something that the so called vanilla world should do as well. While perhaps not narcissistic relations may be helped by it, I imagine that so many other relationships actually would.
Dependence
One thing I learned quite quickly is that whenever you enter a d/s relation, expect to become very dependent on your partner. Regardless if it’s a lover, a submissive “slave” or whatever two people agree on, the emotional part of BDSM is very, very strong and engaging in these activities brings two people very close, very quickly. It’s actually quite overwhelming and a bit scary.
In all honesty, though – I haven’t had that many d/s relationships. For many reasons, and the main one being I’ve been way too busy sorting myself out to involve myself in anything serious. Plus, my preferences are such that I don’t necessarily want a submissive partner (nor a dominant for that matter). But my preferences are not needed for the discussion, so let’s leave them in private. 😀
What I do find, however, is that the intensity and the consuming way to love is more ok among BDSM people, than in the vanilla world. I find this soothing and reassuring, to be quite frank. It means that while I may learn to love in a less destructive way, this is the place where it’d be all right – as long as it is consented.
Control
Choosing to be the dominant part means one needs to learn certain skills (if not already there). Control is one of them. While control of someone else sort of is the point with being dominant, this can be quite dangerous if you can’t control yourself first. And by controlling yourself, well, that could pretty much be anything. The selfcontrol to quit smoking (which I can’t, and I’ve tried oh, so many times), the selfcontrol to exercise daily and eat well, the selfcontrol to reach set goals.. the list can be made very long.
Actually, the control is extremely closely attached to responsibility. Being the dominant means you have to be and take responsibility for what you do with and to your submissive. Aftercare is extremely important if and when you engage in so called “playtime”, which could mean a whipping session, have your submissive crawl on the floor like a worm, perform whatever tasks – anything that’ll put him/her in what’s known as subspace. You are responsible for taking care of your submissive – as simple as that.
Happiness
This is something that I already knew, but it was reinforced very strongly when I had a d/s relation with a person who laid all responsibility for his happiness on me. I discussed this with some people, and the opinions varied largely on whether this was ok or not. To me, it is preposterous that someone else lays their whole happiness in my hands. To me, people need to be able to find happiness by themselves. Two people being happy together will then be way more amazing.
I’m not really sure when, where or why I learned this, but somewhere along the way I realized that it’s unfair to demand of someone that they should provide your happiness all by themselves. It’s like believing in any deity and trusting that deity to provide everything for you. It takes away all personal responsibility, and I really do think that sucks. It’s not very flattering for the person needing that, and it puts a whole shitload of pressure on the person supposed to provide.
…
These are just some of the things I have learned from the BDSM world. BDSM is most certainly not for everyone. It is intense, it can be extremely intimidating and sometimes scary, and let’s just face it – not everyone likes it. And that’s perfectly fine and just the way it should be. Individuality is the shit, as I like to say.
Now, if you happen to be interested and want to know more about BDSM – here are a few links to communities or information about it.
- BDSMinstitutet (swe) (swe)
- Darkside (swe, multilingual)
- Fetlife (eng)
Just a short note; as you can see, it’s possible to learn the most interesting things in the most various circumstances. Don’t be a stranger to learn whatever lessons you can from wherever you find them. Anything that pushes us along without damaging us – well, can’t be much else but good, don’t you think?
And you don’t have to run into BDSM if you don’t want to. There are plenty of other ways to learn stuff in a good way. ♥
With love.
When a woman claims dominance over a submissive partner, it is called Female domination (Femdom) on the BDSM scene.
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