So we’re getting closer to the end of 2021 and the beginning of 2022. This has been a good year in some respects, while others have been quite difficult. Like many of us, I thought I’d look back and see what’s happened, and perhaps steer this ship a little closer to what I want to achieve next year. Let’s evaluate 2021! =)
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
This could easily have turned into another of those years where nothing really happens, where I don’t move forward or perhaps even one step backwards. My life, quite frankly, is boring since I retired from work due to my bipolar diagnosis.
But this year has been different.
On March 1st I was challenged to do physical exercise daily for a month. You know this already, since I bring it up all the time, but this really was lifechanging for me. Yoga has really made a difference in so many areas, it really is mindblowing.
I also read that book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which also made an enormous difference in how I think about my parents and what they gave to me in life lessons. It has given me even more space to grow than the fact that both my parents are dead and gone.
Finding Dr. Ramani on Youtube last year has also brought my recovery from my childhood trauma along, way beyond where I thought possible. The validation I recieved just by watching some of her videos proved to me that I didn’t imagine anything, that my experiences were real, and that what my mother did or didn’t do, actually caused tremendeous damage.
And so, here I am, in the end of 2021, thinking back and realizing that for the first time in a very long time, I’ve actually had quite a nice year.
Sure, my financial status has sucked. Being retired from work at my age doesn’t provide you with a lot of money, and when recurring payments mess up and you have to pay double monthly for a longer period of time, it sucks even worse. But I’m at the end of it now, I survived, and from now on it’ll be better by the day.
And so I begin wondering what to do with next year. I think I’ll choose couple of concepts that I’d like to work with.
Awareness and presence.
These are two things I’ve been lacking, pretty much my entire life. By practising awareness and presence I hope to focus on one tiny point – the very base of my core, and build it even stronger and more steady than it already it is. I like the idea and sound of that. Unbreakable, one could say.
Perhaps I should also add movement and direction into this mix. I have a good idea of who I want to be (and partly already am), but it’s a good thing to know how to get closer to achieving this goal.
Now that I think about it, for me who has been dissociating to a certain degree (please note the difference between lighter dissociating and the dissociative identity disorder), awareness, presence, direction and movement seems like excellent choices to work with. It’s not so much a question about finding out who I am – not anymore, but rather a question on refining, fine-tuning, carving the finer details. And I think the best way to do that is through awareness and presence, knowing how to steer myself through direction and movement.
Sometimes, I’m a bit more clever than I give myself credit for. 😀
To conclude this year, it’s been one of the better ones for me in a long, long, looong time. I feel like I am finally getting a grip of my life. Sure, I am still wobbly, I’d lie if I said I am a professional at life. But I am step by step learning how to live, how to live with myself, how to be me fully – and I’m liking it.
And you know, for all of us who grew up with a narc parent and are in recovery – once we do reach our own nirvana, life really is good. And quite frankly, I think we may even appreciate it more than most “normal” people out there, because we’ve been in the deepest pits of hell and managed to climb out of it.
That’s bloody well done, people. ♥
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