So, I’ve been single for many, many years. I broke up with and threw out my ex boyfriend all those years ago, and since then I’ve been dealing with the healing and recovering process from growing up with my covertly narcissistic mother. There hasn’t been much room to even think about having a partner.
And now that I’m on the other side of the pit, the idea of finding a life partner, someone to love, has risen. I thought I was ready for it, and perhaps I am – given I meet the right person, anyway.
What I have come to wonder, though, is this:
Do I need a partner? What am I supposed to do with him? Why do I even want a partner?
And my answer to these questions is:
I don’t know. Quite frankly, I have no idea.
On the question whether I need a partner, I suppose it depends on what context I use the word need. Considering I’ve gone through what most people would consider the worst and deepest pits of hell for many, many years all by myself with noone to really support me – I don’t think I need a partner for support. I can do that all by myself. I’m not used to looking to someone else for support – and I mean it. I don’t really know how, to be honest with you. How do you lean on someone else for support?
What am I supposed to do with him, and what use is there for a partner? Aside from sex I don’t really see any use for a partner. Sure, I’m extremely unhandy, so there’s that. But if I need help with practical stuff, I can always ask friends to give me a hand (although I suck at that). There’s sex, of course, but even that can be done without a partner. But other than those two things – is a partner really necessary? I’m not convinced.
Why would I want a partner? I’m not really sure about that either. It’s like asking why anyone would want to have kids. I bet most people don’t really know why, but have them just because that’s what people do – they get married and have kids. I don’t have children, and perhaps I’ve grown into one of those eccentric old ladies who lives alone with neither partner nor kids, just a bunch of pets. ♥ And that’s a life I can definitely see myself living – I am already living it.
But the single most interesting question in this whole post, is this:
How many of these reasons are nothing more but excuses for not having to deal with a partner? For escaping all the fear and insecurities that are connected with the finding a suitable man, creating and maintaining a healthy relationship?
After all, even though I consider myself having gotten quite far on the journey of healing and recovering from the narcissistic abuse I was subject to as a child, there are still loads of stuff that scare the hell out of me. I have severe trust issues, I have serious abandonment issues, I am suspicious and sceptic on the top range of the scale – et cetera. These are no easy things to deal with, especially when you’ve already dealt with so much heavy crap and you don’t really want to go back in there, unless absolutely necessary.
And yet, it’d be quite nice not being alone. Or at least I think so. I’ve spent sooo much time on my own for the last ten, fifteen years or so, and especially since Covid. I enjoy my own company, so that’s not the problem. But perhaps it’d be nice for a change to actually have someone to talk to.
I just wish I wasn’t so bloody picky. There are few things that are extremely important to me, and I’m not willing to sacrifice on those. For one, I want a partner who’s smarter than most. Why? Because I am, and because I want to be able to discuss stuff that’s beyond the every-day-conversations that I find so incredibly boring. I do get bored very easily, and I want a partner who does not bore me. I also need our values to resemble one another’s, so we have some sort of common goal to strive for. I also want a partner to be more understanding and accepting than most, and that he’ll be able to handle my insecurities and my odd moods as they appear. I’d also like him to want to live like I do – that is; away from people, preferably in the forest or at least on the countryside.
And I don’t know if there actually exists a guy like this.