This is a follow up post, to the Youtube video with the same name – and it’s all about growing up. There’s a point to it, and I’ll do my best to explain just what I mean by it. Going through childhood with a narcissistic parent is no game, and for some of us (I wouldn’t even dare to guess the numbers) it means we don’t really get to grow up, or learn necessary skills for adulthood.
My mother was a self-proclaimed victim. Nothing was ever her fault, and she would never take responsibility for anything that ever happened to her (in her opinion, that is). Growing up with a female role-model like this, creates a deeply set idea of women being victims. During the years where these things matter, I didn’t really have any other female rolemodel, so naturally, this is an idea that grew very strong with me. Add to that my dad’s idea that he had to take care of all his women in the most unflattering way, and voíla – another weak female victim was born.
You have no idea how much it sucks, admitting that. To admit that I was brought up to be a victim, that I so easily could have got stuck in that role and become a covert narcissist for life. I really don’t dare to think of just how close I’ve been to become just the thing I detest the most – my mother.
This is the main reason why it is so important to me, to avoid thinking of myself as a victim. It’s so easy to do, and it removes any responsibility for pretty much everything. It is also extremely unflattering, and people who grow into that victimhood are very difficult to have a relation with.
I speak briefly of this in the video, the fact that the difference between me and my mother is the amount of selfknowledge, selfinsight, the brutal honesty to oneself, and the willingness to put in all the work and more, to change and become something else. My mom had a seriously twisted selfimage, where she was perfection personified. I don’t.
What I do struggle with, however, is the fine line between being ok with who I am, liking and enjoying who I am, thinking and saying out loud that I like who I am, that I do well, that I’m amazing, et cetera. Where does one turn into a narcissistic idiot, thinking too much of oneself?
I don’t think I do. I don’t think I am a narcissist. But I do find it difficult with the balance between thinking that I’m the worst human being ever born, that I don’t deserve anything good, that I could and should be dead, and that I am a person worthy of a good life just like everyone else.
Now, when it comes to growing up – I do believe that it means different things for all of us. My situation is most likely different from yours. Therefore, the things I find important for my own growing-up-proess, are most likely different from what’s important to you in your process and your recovery.
It is really, really difficult, growing up on your own. I have spent so many years mimicking others, in the belief that if I have what they have, I’d be happy. Of course I wasn’t happy, not even when I had or did what they had or did. That was my lack of Self showing – or, well, hehum – hiding it’s ugly face. I didn’t know how to be Me, because there was no Me to be.
What has worked the best for me is my spiritual work, combined with therapy. I’ve only been in therapy for periods of time, and none of them has been for CPTSD, trauma or similar. My first and last round of therapy were the best, by far. I admit to being extremely against CBT, since it hasn’t done anything for me (except pissing me off). I prefer psychotherapy, where I can go through all the crap that was going on when I was a child.
As for spiritual work, though – in that sense, what has worked the best for me, is what I’ve been doing for the last six to eight months. Journeying to communicate with guides/power animals/spirits/whatever you want to call them. Bloody hell, they have taught me so much. With their help, I am seriously growing (up) and expanding as a person. It’s amazing how that much knowledge can be found on the inside of one’s head.
One thing that I didn’t talk about in the video, but think is equally important – at least for me, is awareness. The idea of victimhood that is so extremely important for me to avoid at all cost, demands awareness. It’s very easy to fall back into, and that’s (at least in my opinion) a very dangerous path to embark on. And I really and truly believe that if we do want to change and become better people than our narcissistic parents (which, in all honesty, couldn’t possibly be that difficult), we do need to be aware. Aware of who we are, who we want to become, and everything that has to change to get there.
Growing up is a long, tough process as an adult. It’s seriously hard work, and it takes more than blood, sweat and tears. But oh, wow, it is so worth it. I am presently more stable in this sense of Self than I have ever been, and even if my life in general could seriously improve, I am still at least somewhat content. There is still work to be done for me, but I have come further than I ever thought possible, an it is soooooo cool.
Next video will be published on my birthday. I’ll be 46, which is what my mom was when she died. I’ll spend some time talking about getting older than her, and – well, whatever comes to mind by then. The idea (and title) of the video is maturing. We’ll see how that goes.
Until then! ♥