This is going to be an interesting post – at least for me. For once, I am going to write about an on-going part of my journey through recovery. This is not something I’ve done before – not since I was much younger, and so very broken. At almost fortysix years old, I am no longer broken – but wobbly in my newly found Self.
The weird thing is I am much less scared than I thought I’d be. I thought this would be terrifying, that I’d lay shivering on the floor, that I’d shy away just to be safe – but no. I am stepping right into this situation with my eyes wide open. Seriously, you have no idea of how weird this is to me. 😀
I am of course talking about relationships.
It’s funny how some things work. I’m pretty good at exploring and working with myself. I’ve done it for a really long time. But some things just push you forwards in ways you never could’ve imagined. One year ago, I was certain that I’d be single to the day I die, that I’d end up lonely and miserable. I was so certain that there could be noone who’d want me for who I am, how I looked, and so on.
And then I began my yoga journey. My yoga practise has changed soooo much for me. It has changed my body, but probably more importantly – the way I think and feel about myself. I do of course use my yoga as a tool for shamanic journeys, and these have been more useful, given me more insight, knowledge and understanding than I ever could have imagined, about self-love, self-acceptance and so on. It really is more than amazing.
And so – here I am. With the most promising journey ahead of me.
I do have one question, though. An important one. It is quite the dilemma, because I have no bloody idea of how to do this. Let me explain.
Everything I have done for the last twenty + years, has been done to heal, recover – and rebuild ME. My focus has been on MEMEMEMEME alone, and I haven’t really thought of how this ME should relate to others. To friends and people in general – sure, but in closer, more intimate relationships. It never really occurred to me that it could or would happen. Not once.
And now that it is happening, I’m… I don’t even have a word to describe it. Knowing what I’ve been like in the past, it is somewhat terrifying to know that there’s a big, fat chance that I’ll return to my habit (inherited from my mother) of allowing myself to be swallowed by my partner and form my identity around who he is. I do not want this to happen. My individuality is extremely important to me, and I’d prefer to keep it even in a relationship.
I just don’t know how. Everything that I have built for myself, has been done around my own core, my own spine. Admittedly, a lot of it is probably built as protection for everything inside that’s still sore, hurt, wounded et cetera.
I don’t want to tell you much about this person I’ve met – but I can tell you this. For the first time in a very, very long time, I have met someone who does not seem to be scared of me. Someone who accepts all of me – everything that I am. I have met a person who wants all of me – my mind, my body and my soul. And I want the same from this person – all of it. And while it is slightly scary (yet so much less than I ever thought possible), I surprisingly enough find myself ready to give all this – and more.
Just like that.
But like I said; the big question is how to remain ME, how to maintain ME, while being in an intimate relationship with someone. I haven’t done that before, since I’ve always been codependent in all my relationships. One might wonder why, but that’s what I learned from my mother – I was codependent on her, and she was codependent on all the men she had in her life (and trust me, they were many), so naturally that’s how I figured relationships work.
I’ll give myself this, though – considering just how much I’ve grown for the last five, six years, I think I am ready for this. I feel like I’m ready. Just the fact that I ‘m not that frightened tells me that I am ready for this. And that the energy, the feeling between myself and this person is right. I am extremely peculiar when it comes to that. And extremely few people make me feel the way I want to feel, so that this person does that says something.
I can also tell you something else. This relationship, as new, untried (we actually haven’t met yet) et cetera as it is, I see as a gift. During my yoga/shamanic journeys, I have asked for selflove, selfrespect – and love. My guides have presented me with options for perhaps six months or so, but not until now have I taken the bait. Few weeks ago, I gave thanks to my power animal – and I do not have words enough to express the smugness on her face. 😀
It’s been so long since I was in a relationship, and those I had back then were nothing but healthy, constructive or truly loving. I don’t have a clue on how to do this – but I do know it’s going to be a real challenge for me to understand how. Mainly understanding how to maintain my own Self, my ME – and still be able to relate to another person in a healthy, loving way.
This is soooo cool, you guys. I would never, not in my wildest dreams, have imagined that this could happen. Sure, I haven’t met this person yet – but the energy and feeling between us is very, very special.
Join me in celebrating that I have this, right here, right now. ♥
With love (all pun intended).
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