This is going to be an interesting post – at least for me. For once, I am going to write about an on-going part of my journey through recovery. This is not something I’ve done before – not since I was much younger, and so very broken. At almost fortysix years old, I am no longer broken – but wobbly in my newly found Self.

The weird thing is I am much less scared than I thought I’d be. I thought this would be terrifying, that I’d lay shivering on the floor, that I’d shy away just to be safe – but no. I am stepping right into this situation with my eyes wide open. Seriously, you have no idea of how weird this is to me. 😀

I am of course talking about relationships.

It’s funny how some things work. I’m pretty good at exploring and working with myself. I’ve done it for a really long time. But some things just push you forwards in ways you never could’ve imagined. One year ago, I was certain that I’d be single to the day I die, that I’d end up lonely and miserable. I was so certain that there could be noone who’d want me for who I am, how I looked, and so on.

And then I began my yoga journey. My yoga practise has changed soooo much for me. It has changed my body, but probably more importantly – the way I think and feel about myself. I do of course use my yoga as a tool for shamanic journeys, and these have been more useful, given me more insight, knowledge and understanding than I ever could have imagined, about self-love, self-acceptance and so on. It really is more than amazing.

And so – here I am. With the most promising journey ahead of me.

I do have one question, though. An important one. It is quite the dilemma, because I have no bloody idea of how to do this. Let me explain.

Everything I have done for the last twenty + years, has been done to heal, recover – and rebuild ME. My focus has been on MEMEMEMEME alone, and I haven’t really thought of how this ME should relate to others. To friends and people in general – sure, but in closer, more intimate relationships. It never really occurred to me that it could or would happen. Not once.

And now that it is happening, I’m… I don’t even have a word to describe it. Knowing what I’ve been like in the past, it is somewhat terrifying to know that there’s a big, fat chance that I’ll return to my habit (inherited from my mother) of allowing myself to be swallowed by my partner and form my identity around who he is. I do not want this to happen. My individuality is extremely important to me, and I’d prefer to keep it even in a relationship.

I just don’t know how. Everything that I have built for myself, has been done around my own core, my own spine. Admittedly, a lot of it is probably built as protection for everything inside that’s still sore, hurt, wounded et cetera.

I don’t want to tell you much about this person I’ve met – but I can tell you this. For the first time in a very, very long time, I have met someone who does not seem to be scared of me. Someone who accepts all of me – everything that I am. I have met a person who wants all of me – my mind, my body and my soul. And I want the same from this person – all of it. And while it is slightly scary (yet so much less than I ever thought possible), I surprisingly enough find myself ready to give all this – and more.

Just like that.

But like I said; the big question is how to remain ME, how to maintain ME, while being in an intimate relationship with someone. I haven’t done that before, since I’ve always been codependent in all my relationships. One might wonder why, but that’s what I learned from my mother – I was codependent on her, and she was codependent on all the men she had in her life (and trust me, they were many), so naturally that’s how I figured relationships work.

I’ll give myself this, though – considering just how much I’ve grown for the last five, six years, I think I am ready for this. I feel like I’m ready. Just the fact that I ‘m not that frightened tells me that I am ready for this. And that the energy, the feeling between myself and this person is right. I am extremely peculiar when it comes to that. And extremely few people make me feel the way I want to feel, so that this person does that says something.

I can also tell you something else. This relationship, as new, untried (we actually haven’t met yet) et cetera as it is, I see as a gift. During my yoga/shamanic journeys, I have asked for selflove, selfrespect – and love. My guides have presented me with options for perhaps six months or so, but not until now have I taken the bait. Few weeks ago, I gave thanks to my power animal – and I do not have words enough to express the smugness on her face. 😀

It’s been so long since I was in a relationship, and those I had back then were nothing but healthy, constructive or truly loving. I don’t have a clue on how to do this – but I do know it’s going to be a real challenge for me to understand how. Mainly understanding how to maintain my own Self, my ME – and still be able to relate to another person in a healthy, loving way.

This is soooo cool, you guys. I would never, not in my wildest dreams, have imagined that this could happen. Sure, I haven’t met this person yet – but the energy and feeling between us is very, very special.

Join me in celebrating that I have this, right here, right now. ♥

With love (all pun intended).

 

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Eye C : recovery from childhood trauma (narcissistic abuse by a parent)

I grew up with a covert narcissistic mother and a father who overcompensated in a rigid manner.

 

My mother died back in 2001 and I have spent too many years being a survivor. This is where it’s time to recover and be the best version of myself that I can be.

 

It’s important to me to let this be a space where we are creative and positive in our ways to recover from the narcissistic abuse we’ve been subjected to in our childhood. It’s no easy task, but I’ll be damned if I can’t do it.

 

Until then.

 

With love.
Malinka P.