On the Youtube channel, I just posted the very first video with the title “Point of origin“. I find it exceedingly fitting, since it’s the start of the channel – and our journey of recovery, to become the people we were meant to be. I’m writing this post to expand a little on the topic – and to give you a little insight in my own point(s) of origin.
If you’ve read anything on this blog before, you’ve probably gathered that my own, personal narcissist was my mother, who has been dead for 21 years in February. My superoriginal point of origin is thus being born to a narcissistic mother and a father who had no idea what she was and decided to approach her lack of parenting skills with being the most strict and rigid father he could.
That’s where my story begins. One might argue that it begins long before, what with ancestral patterns et cetera, but let’s stick close to home, shall we?
Point of origin is a little more than static and fixed events in time and space (Doctor Who, anyone?). A point of origin is as fluid as anything else, since we grow and change with each breathe we take, with every thought that runs through our minds. And as soon as we change our perception of it, it somehow changes.
I also think that we don’t have one point of origin. Well, for obvious reasons, our birth is the original point of origin. 😀 But life contains significant events, and each of them pushes us in one direction or the other.
For me personally, there are a few situations that has really changed my life.
Mom’s death in 2001
This is where my journey of survival and much later, recovery, began. With such a strong influence on your life gone, things changes whether you like it or not. How much depends on your level of knowledge and understanding of what’s been going on. I was twentyfour, almost twentyfive at the time, and I had no idea that my mom was a narcissist. I just knew she’d been the most toxic relationship I’d ever had, and that I was grateful she was gone. And I wasn’t even ashamed of it.
My best friend’s car accident
I was about thirty years old when my best friend was in a car accident. She survived, but was left about 98% paralyzed and with severe brain damage. This was just when I myself was breaking down and entering the longest and most difficult depression I ever experienced, and her accident pulled all sense of security from under my feet.
Might sound cheesy, but getting myself a dog really changed my life. I’ve written about it before and will probably write about it again.
Dad’s death in 2017
My dad was for a very, very long time my security and my rock. I was heavily dependent on him for validation, even if I was also fighting for the independence he never taught me. I always thought I’d go under when he was gone, but to my great surprise and gratitude I didn’t.
I hate clichés, but there usually is something to them. Like; there are always two sides of a coin. I lost my mom – yes, but I also lost almost twentyfive years of narcissistic abuse. I lost my dad – yes, but at the same time I was given the space to become ME. My best friend was changed for life, and while she didn’t win much from it, again and even in this situation, it gave me space to grow and expand on my own.
I think it’s really important to identify these points of origins, and equally important to realize their significance is heavily dependent on how we ourselves choose to see them. And when I say choose, I mean choose. Because while it may not always feel like it, we always have a choice. And trust me, I am first in line to admit that at certain points in our survival and recovery, those choices are basically impossible to find and understand.
But when we reach a certain point, a certain mindset – the choices are available. We can choose how to approach our past, how to handle it, who and what we are and what we want to become. The choices are ours.
One of those things that I’ve had to learn (and am still learning to understand) is the difference between now and then. I’ve been so stuck in my then that I have been unable to live in the presence. I haven’t been able to understand the difference, much like I for about forty years or so couldn’t understand the difference between you and I. My brain just refused to understand the concept of time passing between then and now, just like it wouldn’t understand that each individual is contained – not endless, merging into each other.
Points of origin are important. They are significant. But life is more than our points of origin, regardless of how many there are. This year I am going to work hard on learning awareness and presence, because I’ve noticed that I feel much better when being aware and present. As of yet, this is not automatic or consistent – but I want it to be.
So, I am going to let 2022 be a point of origin for me. I want to claim my life to the furthest point I can reach. I want to live, not survive or exist. That’s not enough for me anymore. Actually, it never was – but now I am beginning to see how it can be done, that it’s possible to achieve, and is available even for me.
So I really hope you’ll join me on this hopefully joyful journey. I have no idea where I’ll end up, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel excited about what can happen. I am wobbly on my feet when it comes to all this, but I am more than willing to learn and test my wings. I do want to fly.
If you haven’t already, I would like to invite you to subscribe to my Youtube channel. From now on, the plan is to upload videos weekly. All focus will be on positive aspects of recovering from narcissistic abuse from a parent/close relative in childhood. The Youtube channel and this blog will be closely connected, so keep an eye out.
Take care of yourself on the beginning of this beautiful year.
With love. ♥