This is yet another topic that’s really, really difficult to write about. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I set the schedule for this month. 😀 But – it is important to release both pain and fear. Being stuck with those, we tend to be stuck with everything else. I am no professional at this, but I have worked hard – and I have let go of at least some of my own horrors.
I’m writing this way before filming the video, so I’ll just write down some of the things I’ve found important over the years.
One of the most important things is to do some soulsearching (does it ever stop?) and differentiate between what are your own fears and your own pain, and what are the pains and fears of others that you have sort of inherited. These does not have to be the same. And once you do know the difference, you can actually let go of everything that’s not your own. The trick to do that is to know what pains and fears you own – releasing the rest have, at least for me, a tendency of happening by itself.
In general, the idea of finding out what crap is your own, and what crap actually belongs to someone else and was taught to you, is key for recovery. At least it’s been for me. Some of the shit we live with doesn’t really belong to us, and so, we don’t really have to concern ourselves with it. I had a very interesting experience a few years back that taught me that. I had an idea for a book about my experiences with shamanic journeys, and as I began writing, I had one – just then and there.
Imagine being in an endless, empty space with no light. Pitch darkness. The only sound is your own heart beating. Suddently, there’s a spotlight, in which a little girl is sitting, playing with beads. On, like an enormous film screen, you can see your parent (in my case, my mother) going on about something – being totally narcissistic, and the little girl is ignoring that screen totally. You ask her what she’s doing here – after all, this isn’t real, this is somewhere inside your head. She doesn’t look at you when she replies that mom is acting out her own problems, and I don’t want to be a part of it.
So simple. So beautiful. And you know what? We don’t have to be part of it. We can choose otherwise.
This rings true if we read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. That’s the book which has made the most difference for me, to be honest. I actually highly recommend that one – it’s a great way to change your perspective on specifically your relationship with your parents and even more specifically, how you relate to them, and if, and if so, which agreements you want to live by – theirs or your own.
Now, releasing pain can of course be done in a billion different ways. I can only provide you with stories about how I do it. You’ll have to find your own way of releasing your pain and your fears. But another way that I do it is to think of it as holding on to something – and letting it go.
I did some serious visualization a while ago, where I imagined my body as a machine, in which loads of fears and pains were hanging on the walls. I used wind and fire, mainly, to blow and burn those fears and pains. I’ve also imagined myself untangling from my fears and pains by thinking of it as removing thumbtacks – and thereby letting go of whatever it is holding me back.
Another way to do it could be seeing all those fears and pains as their own beings, and plain and simply tell them that you don’t want them in your life – go away, and never come back.
Now, I do of course realize that these ways to perform this actually extremely difficult task, may not be for everyone. I’m ok with that – and I hope that you are too. But these are strategies that works very well for me. And of course, what also works for me – and may be a little less spooky, is to be my own mother. Those times when fear and pain strike, I do become the mother of that inner child who is so scared. I tell her that it’s ok, that everything’s going to be fine – and so far, it actually has worked. I do find it soothing, and it does make me feel different.
We all have to find our own way to handle our pain and our fear. I’m guessing it’s different for all of us. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. It doesn’t really matter, as long as we find productive ways to get rid of as much of the darkness as we can. I am also guessing it differs between individuals just how long it takes. For me, it’s taken way longer than I like to think about. I’m not even sure I’ve gotten rid of everything. But I have rid myself of a whole shitload of pain and fear. Enough so that I can start to rebuild my life with new ingredients.
And perhaps we – all of us, should also understand that it’s ok to have pain and fear. As long as we don’t let it overtake us, as long as we are aware of what, and why, and how to deal with it when our pains and fears stick their ugly heads right into our face. I think that perhaps the greatest fear of all is the fear of our fears. Perhaps it doesn’t have to be that bad, if we don’t let it.
But trust me – I know exactly just how difficult this is. Trust me, I’ve fought for years and years and years to keep my nose above the surface, I’ve been buried so deep under my pain and my fear that I could hardly breathe. It’s no easy journey. Knowledge of what’s going on in a narcissistic family system helps – at least it did for me. That in itself released loads of stuff for me – guilt, shame, pain, et cetera. So if you don’t have that knowledge already -get it. It’ll serve you well.